


a fire baptism engulfs my shame

by fullmetallizard



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Burns, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-07
Updated: 2015-08-07
Packaged: 2018-04-13 12:47:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4522617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fullmetallizard/pseuds/fullmetallizard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Roy makes good on a promise to destroy the secrets of Flame Alchemy on Riza's back.</p><p> <i> How could he do that to his own daughter? Did Roy have any right to look at it that way considering what he was going to be doing to her back now?</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	a fire baptism engulfs my shame

**Author's Note:**

> I so much don't own FMA

 

Riza had just changed out of her uniform when she heard the knock on her door. She finished her top two buttons on her walk to the front of her apartment. She grabbed a gun and held it behind her pajama pants. She opened it to reveal Mustang. “You have a key, sir.”

“Just being courteous,” he smirked. She stepped aside and he walked in, closing the door behind him. He took off his coat, hanging it on a hook.

“Courtesy almost got you shot in the face.”

He was dressed casually, as far Mustang standards went. Black slacks, long-sleeved light blue button down, and black loafers. His nervousness was poorly hidden.

“Would you like some tea before we start, sir?” She put her gun back on her end table.

She didn’t feel anxious at all, surprisingly. Maybe a sense of urgency but mostly acceptance, knowing the physical pain would amount to such relief.

“You don’t have to call me sir. Not here. Not when I’m about to do…this to you.”

“Roy, I asked you to,” the name felt foreign on her tongue, a favorite candy she hadn’t tasted in years.

She hadn’t called him that since the weeks he spent studying the array on her back before he left for East City. She was sixteen.

Five years later and the secrets on her skin had cost thousands their lives. She was barely able to live with the guilt of it all. She didn’t need the fear that someone else could learn from the intricate designs her father asked her to hide away.

She’d been assigned to Mustang after just a month back in Amestris. She reminded him of the promise he’d made her in Ishval soon after. He managed to avoid it for two whole months. She couldn’t take it anymore. She didn’t know if it would help with her nightmares, but she had to try something.

She had to do her part to make sure Roy was the last person who could cause an inferno with the snap of his fingers. She shood have never showed him her back.  
Her father should have never cultivated flame alchemy in the first place.

When Roy first saw the tattoo, he touched a shaking finger out to the pattern and asked her, “Did he ask if he could do this to you? Did you say it was okay?” She’d never thought about it before. It had never felt like something she had any choice over.

She felt a little guilt. Her father may have been a volatile, almost bordering on violent, man who studied and researched so much that he had nothing left to parent with but he was still her father. His life’s work would become nothing but scars on an already scarred woman.

But then she thought of the screams that could be heard if you were stationed anywhere near the Flame Alchemist. She remembered death and charred buildings, ashes mixed in with hot sand and knew she was making the right decision.

Riza took a deep breath, pulling herself out of her thoughts. She looked across the room to the dark haired man she’d known for so long.

She noticed Roy’s hands shaking. “I’ll have some tea first, if you don’t mind.”

…

 

He understood completely what she was asking of him. But she didn’t realize how much even thinking about inflicting pain on her hurt him. He would be marring her.

He was no stranger to being someone who caused suffering. But it had never been because of something like this. Against a person he’d known since they were ten and thirteen, someone he’d loved over half his life.

He sat at the table with her while she sipped her tea, though he guessed she was only drinking it to give him some time to calm down. His stomach was too knotted up to even attempt drinking something nonalcoholic. He studied her face, her eyes to find any trace of fear or hesitation. He found none. It did nothing to stop the trembling of his fingers.

“Shall we get started?” Riza asked. He knew there was no putting it off any longer.

“Yeah.”

“Where should we…”

“The tub, probably. Water will be right there…and a drain.”

She nodded, turning and walked towards her small bathroom. He followed, rolling his sleeves up. She reached into the medicine cabinet, pulling out disinfectant and gauze. He flinched, thinking of how it would sting her.

“Ready?”

“Riza…”

“Roy. Please. I know it’s a lot to ask.”

“I don’t know if I can do this to you.”

She put a hand to his cheek, something she hadn’t done since they’d lain in bed together after her father’s funeral. They’d changed so much since then. Even the few times they'd been together in Ishval there was no time for tender touches. 

But he still felt like he’d do anything to protect her. Hurting her on purpose went directly against that.

“You’re not doing it  _to_  me. You’re doing it  _for_  me.”

He nodded, chewing on the inside of his cheek.

She turned her back to him and started working the buttons on her shirt. She cast it aside and he found himself studying the array a last time. He thought back to the first time he saw it, feeling both awed at the power it held and horrified at the placement on Riza’s back.

_How could he do that to his own daughter?_

Did Roy have any right to look at it that way considering what he was going to be doing to her back now?

He started taking his belt off. Arms crossed, she glanced over her shoulder to see what the noise was. “Sir?”

“To bite down on. You’re…probably going to scream.”

She nodded and accepted it, sitting down in the tub. Roy went and grabbed a chair from her table and positioned it beside the tub.

He sat. He could see that the muscles in her back were tense.

“Roy,” she said quietly. “Even if I ask you to stop…don’t. Don’t stop for anything until it’s unreadable.”

He nodded even though she couldn’t see him from the angle she was at. He pulled the gloves out of his pocket. It occurred to him that Riza must have trusted him as much as she said she did. He could easily kill her in this position.

“Are you ready?” He asked, his voice betraying him. It sounded strained and weak.

“Yes,” she said, her voice steady and clear. “I’m ready.”

He snapped lightly, his thumb and middle finger barely making a sound. His body was filled with a light heat and he watched as Riza’s skin bubbled. The smell of smoke and burnt blood hit his nose and it was all he could do not to gag. He moved a little higher to her right shoulder to get rid of the cluster of words there.

He was wrong. Riza didn’t scream. She was making panicked, high pitched whimpers and struggling to get away from his hand. Somehow it was worse.

Tears filled his eyes. With his free hand he reached out, grabbing a shoulder to keep her in place. He finished the section he was on. He could only keep this going for a few more minutes, he knew. He stopped the flame and arranged his hand over the skin below her left shoulder blade. He snapped lightly again.

Upon hearing the sound, Riza released a guttural sob. It was almost a scream, even though her teeth were chomped down on the leather.

“I know. I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

He started on the group of symbols that he knew where the most vital and the hardest to master. It was a large section.

Riza’s hand shot out and she gripped the edge of the tub. She was taking deep, shuddering breaths.

The bathroom had become so unbearably hot. They were both sweating and struggling to keep the sweet burning smell out of their noses.

“Stop!” The belt fell from her mouth. “Stop I can’t take it I can’t. Stop stop,” she begged, barely coherent at that point.

He was only about halfway done. “I’m sorry, Riza. Just stay calm.”

“Please stop! Stop stop stop,” she didn’t sound like herself. He didn’t think he’d ever heard anything so horrible in his life. _“ROY!”_

He cringed at hearing the one syllable of his name filled with so much hurt and panic. He never wanted to hear it again.

He took a breath and focused on the last little bit, trying to block out both Riza’s cries and images of Ishval that threatened to cloud over him.

“I’m done!” He told her, pulling his hand back. He tore the gloves off and threw them down. “I’m finished.”

Riza didn’t give any indication that she heard him, she was still twisting around, sobbing and trying to find some relief.

“Riza,” he said. She didn’t answer. He went to grab a glass of water. He brought it to her. “Drink it,” he said. She held it in her hand, but barely. The whiteness of her face and lips scared him. “Hawkeye, drink the damn water,” he snapped.

She shakily took a few sips. “I can’t,” she whispered. “My throat is locked up.”

“I have to rinse the burns off. It’s going to sting almost as bad as the burns but we can’t let that get infected. Okay?”

He noticed a hitch in her breathing but she nodded. He turned the faucet on and waited for the temperature to change from freezing to cool. He filled the glass, trying to swallow down how much he hated himself in that moment, and poured it as gently as he could onto her back.

He’d forgotten to put the belt back in her mouth and she screamed at full volume, startling him. He gritted his teeth against the sound. He rinsed it off again, trying not to notice the bits of skin that washed down with the water.

He sat back down, letting the wounds air dry before trying to disinfect them. He knew placing a towel against her back would be excruciating.

“You still with me, Hawkeye?”

She mumbled something and even though he couldn’t tell what she said, he could hear that she was losing consciousness.

She slumped forward. She was still mostly upright because of the walls of the tub. He felt her pulse. It was erratic and fast, but steady. “I’m sorry," he told her, leaning forward and putting his hand on her short blonde hair. “I’m sorry.”

…

“Can you stand?” Someone asked her.

Riza opened her eyes. Her vision was hazy. She looked towards the source of the voice and saw Roy. “Sir?”

“Can you stand?” He repeated.

She felt so confused. Her back burned and her chest ached for some reason. She looked around. She was in her tub. Her shirt was off.

Her brain felt like jelly but she slowly remembered what was going on. “I can’t stand on my own,” she finally answered. She was freezing, despite the fact her back was flaming hot. She was too exhausted to care that her commanding officer was supporting her shaking, half naked body.

He helped her hobble into her room and fished a new pair of pajama pants out of her dresser. She thought maybe she should be embarrassed that she needed help but her back stung far too much for her to care. Roy adjusted the fabric around her hips and then laid her on her stomach on top of her covers. “How much pain are you in pain?”

“Not feeling pain as much as I feel…lightheaded.”

“Dammit. That’s exactly what I didn’t want to hear.”

“Why?”

“You’re in shock.”

“Mhm,” she hummed in agreement. It made sense, even in her swimming mind. “I need to sleep.”

“You can’t.”

“I’m thirsty.” Roy sat down on the bed beside her hips. She turned her head the best she could and saw he had disinfectant and bandages.

“You can’t give people in shock anything to drink. Maybe later. I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want to go to the hospital just to get an IV.”

“I brought an IV in my brief case incase this happened.”

She didn’t flinch when he stuck the needle in the needle in the crook of her arm but did when he sat back on the bed, making her body tilt which made her back scream in protest.

He resumed what he’d been doing before. He uncapped the bottle and poured some onto some gauze. He looked at her guiltily. “It’s going to hurt again.”

She nodded and braced herself for it. She gasped and clenched her teeth.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“I’m…I’m still happy you did it.”

He flinched at this. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it again, focusing on cleaning her wounds.

“I’m sleepy,” Riza said again. The pain was still there, of course. But she could keep herself in check despite it. It wasn’t the frantic, mind scattering burning like before.

“You have to stay awake.”

“Why am I so cold?”

“The shock. You’re already wearing socks and pants. I don’t want to put a shirt or blanket over your back until after I’ve bandaged everything. Just hang in there.”

“I can’t…stay awake.”

“You have to stay up, okay?”

“Mhm.”

Then everything went black.

…

_“I’m sorry he’s gone,” Roy said after the funeral. It was small. The two of them, a priest, and about five other guests were there. Master Hawkeye didn’t make that many friends throughout his life._

_“Yes,” Riza said. “It’s a shame.”_

_She didn’t look upset, but she’d never been very open about her emotions. She was a quiet, nervous thing. She had been since he met her._

_“When do you leave for East City?” She asked him._

_“Three months. I probably won’t be able to master flame alchemy by then,” he laughed nervously, trying to escape the sadness of her eyes._

_“You can do it. We can start tonight even.”_

_“No, we don’t have to do that. Your father’s funeral was today.”_

_They’d both changed into regular clothes hours before. Roy had a glass of bourbon and Riza a glass of water._

_“Roy, we have limited time. Do you want to learn or not?”_

_It was the boldest he’d ever seen her, save for when she was thirteen and her friend dared her to kiss him and she actually did it._

_“Of course I want to learn. But you need time to grieve.”_

_“He’d been sick a long time,” she reached up and started undoing her buttons. “His death isn’t a great shock to me.”_

_"What are you…” he trailed off, confused._

_She stood and let her shirt fall to the ground, showing him the array._

_“Riza,” he breathed…_

_He studied it for hours. They eventually sat on the couch, her legs curled up to her chest while he traced the curves and muttered under his breath._

_“Okay,” he said. “I think that’s enough for tonight. It’s late.”_

_He moved to grab her shirt to hand it back to her when she turned and kissed him full on the mouth. He was shocked but his body immediately responded._

_“What’s this for?” He asked, smiling and breathless._

_“I’m going to miss you,” she answered simply._

_He was shocked to find that he was going to miss her too._

_While she worked on his buttons, he led her from the couch to her room. “Is this okay?” He asked, enjoying the blush on her cheeks._

_"I’ve uh…I’ve never done this before.”_

_“I haven’t either,” he admitted._

_“Really?” She was shocked._

_“When would I have had time?” He laughed. “Studying was a full time job. Then I went straight to the academy.”_

_I suppose," she murmured against his mouth. She rolled on top of him and they didn’t need to speak anymore._

…

“Riza! Riza!” He was tapping the side of her face, noting how cold and clammy it was. It only took him about five minutes to finish bandaging everything up. When he asked if she felt any better, he noticed she wasn’t awake anymore.

The bag of fluid he brought was half empty. She didn’t bleed that much so he knew they were probably okay in that area.

“Riza, please,” he begged, feeling fear, cold and heavy, rise in his chest.

Her eyes slit open. “Hey,” she said.

He had a the strange desire to laugh but choked it down. “Hey. You have to stay up. At least until the IV’s done. That’s an order.”

“Yes, sir.”

He looked through her drawers until he found a soft, long sleeved cotton shirt.

“Come here,” he said, sitting beside her again. She was quiet but her eyes were alert. He helped her sit up and guided the shirt onto her.

“Do you remember the night of my father’s funeral?” She asked, seemingly out of the blue.

“How could I forget?” He smiled, after a short pause. “Why do you ask?”

“Just…remembering.” Her voice wasn’t much more than a murmur but at least he didn’t have to struggle to make sense of the words.

“How do you feel?”

“I feel okay now. It hurt a lot more than I thought it would. I…I’m sorry.”

“What in the hell are you sorry for?”

“I lost control. I apologize.”

“Don’t apologize. Please…it’ll kill me. It hurts me to hear you apologize to me,” He said it quietly, but the truth of the statement was loud and clear.

“Did you get it?”

“I did three general places. It’s unreadable.”

She gave a tired smiled. “Thank you, sir.”

He didn’t answer. They sat in a comfortable silence for some time. He felt tired and spent. Color was coming back to Riza’s face and her body was heating back up. The IV bag was empty.

“You look a lot better.” Her lips and cheeks had color again and her eyes were only a bit bleary.

“I _feel_ a lot better.”

“Do you care if I stay on your couch tonight? I’m just…not comfortable leaving you alone just yet.”

“Actually if you don’t mind, sir, could you sleep in the bed with me?”

“Y-yeah,” the word felt dumb, clumsily falling out of his mouth. It was the last question he expected.

“I get nightmares sometimes.”

Roy laid on the free side of the bed.

“Me too,” he said, quietly.

He kicked his shoes off. Riza let out a soft snore after a few minutes, making him smile. Their bedrooms were side by side at Master Hawkeye’s and the tiny snores reminded him of that time.

…Before Ishval. Before war changed his soul. Before he’d been pointed at innocent civilians and ordered to annihilate them.

He tried to brush those thoughts away because they brought nightmares with them. Although he expected plenty. He was still shaky from seeing and smelling Riza's skin burn. The smell was all too familiar, too horrible. 

“Roy,” Riza said sleepily, reaching over (after giving a hiss of pain) and turning her lamp off. “Go to sleep.”

 _This is inappropriate_ , he thought. He considered it and realized he didn’t really mind. He got under the covers with her.

Instead of waking up, shuddering or shouting from a nightmare, he woke up to the weak morning son making Riza’s hair glow golden. He reached out and touched it before he could think better of it and realized maybe he was more okay with breaking the rules than he should be.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are really appreciated! If you're willing, I'd like to hear what you like and didn't like. I love you for reading!


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